The blog has been silent for a little while. Some things are just too difficult to write about, some days too hard to put words to. There were a few drafts I have since deleted because they are such imperfect pictures and fail to capture the emotions and thoughts that were going through my head.
We have been dealing with the loss of my husband's job and the fallout from that. I don't really mean the financial aspects of it, but the emotional, mental and spiritual fallout.
Since my husband has been off, I have dealt with some of the darkest days of depression I have faced in a long time.
When my depression flares, my faith falters massively. I am exhausted, simultaneously numb to emotions and overwhelmed by them. There are so many contributing factors I could talk about: being a mom to two kids under age 3, spring weather in Nova Scotia, the effects of introversion and constantly having an adult in my space all the time, you get the idea. But it comes down to what our pastor spoke about in his sermon today and over the past weeks of this series on Mark. Christians will suffer. We lack faith and need to repent of it.
I. I lack faith. I struggle to believe that God is sovereign and more powerful than depression. I fail to believe that God will provide for us in this time. So this is where I am. I am repenting day by day of my lack of faith and asking God to help my unbelief. I am also being lovingly reminded that this life involves suffering and I need to not be paralyzed by it, but trust God with it.
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
2 He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.
Psalm 40:1-2 (ESV)